Faith for the Man He'll Become
by Carolyn McCulley

This is a shout-out to all my younger sisters in Christ. Let's sit down and have a boy chat for a minute. There's something I've learned over time that I'd like to pass on to you.

We'll begin with your wedding dreams. How would you describe the man you want to marry? What would he be like as a husband, father, and provider?

Why? Because these women didn't marry the husbands they have today. Typically, they married less seasoned men. Thanks to the Holy Spirit's refinements over time, as well as the feminine counsel, influence, and encouragement of these wives, their husbands are different some 20-plus years down the line.

Now take a look at the young men you know. Can you see them with eyes of faith? Like trees in springtime with an impressionistic haze of buds, the potential for growth is strongly evident but it's not yet fully realized.

So here's what I want to impart to you: There is a learning curve to a man's leadership as a husband and father. The qualities you can see in a 50-year-old man's life were developed over 50 years. There are 25 more years of growth ahead for the 25-year-old man before it's fair to compare them. While you are called to be discerning about the characters of the men you befriend or court/date, you also have a part in encouraging these men to grow. In fact, that's part of yourlearning curve as you prepare for being a wife.

What am I talking about? Let's look at two examples.

A Trajectory

One day, my friend Kyle announced an important revelation: "I recently realized that I've been looking for a girlfriend, instead of a wife. I've been presuming on marriage, instead of preparing for it."

Now 23, Kyle had always assumed that one day he'd get married. But he wasn't intentionally preparing for his role in a God-glorifying marriage. Instead, he found he had a pattern of presuming upon his interest in a specific woman (before courtship), instead of preparing himself to lead and serve a wife. Kyle found he would prematurely invest in that friendship and take steps to grow toward this woman, instead of taking steps to grow toward God while holding his interest and hopes loosely.

This insight came about as he studied the Bible and talked with other men about what masculinity looks like in the Scriptures. Now he is taking steps to help him achieve his long-term goals of a godly marriage and family. Currently there are two areas he's assessed a need for growth. The first is his money management, so Kyle has developed a budget to track his expenditures and investments. The second area is preparation for fatherhood. Though he lives with his family, he is not exposed to many children. That's why he signed up to serve in children's ministry, where he is not only caring for children on a weekly basis, he is also watching how other men there interact with children. It challenges him to grow in faith, he says. He wants to be a consistent gospel-centered example for these children. In addition, he is meeting regularly with accountability partners to confess sin, pray for one another, and check on each other's spiritual growth.

My job as Kyle's friend is to encourage him in this endeavor by both pointing out any positive changes I observe and praying for him as a brother in Christ. Kyle is pursuing a trajectory of godliness

The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil. Deacons likewise must be dignified, not double-tongued, not addicted to much wine, not greedy for dishonest gain. They must hold the mystery of the faithwith a clear conscience. And let them also be tested first; then let them serve as deacons if they prove themselves blameless. (1 Timothy 3:1-10 ESV, emphasis added).

This list of virtues obviously refers to the qualities required for church leaders, but elsewhere in Scripture they are also required of all believers. That's why this compact list presents trustworthy standards by which we can evaluate men. Are they cultivating

And ... can the same be said of us?

The Influence

God has given women a position of influence, encouragement, and counsel. This happens in varying degrees in all of our relationships. Entire books have been written on this subject, but I will defer to the concise description of a godly woman's example and influence found in 1 Peter 3:1-5(NIV, emphasis mine):

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

The Lord has given women the opportunity to be holy influencers. Unfortunately, many of us try to influence change through the barrage of our words (read: nagging, whining, manipulating) rather than through the purity and reverence in our attitudes that is built upon a gentle trust in God's ability to change people. Again, entire books have been written on this subject and I can't begin to unpack that thought in this short column. But I will leave you with the testimony of another friend of mine.

Jared is in his late 20s and has been in a courtship for a few months. He is intentionally pursuing this relationship with marriage in mind, but he is not yet sure if this is definitely what God has for them. No matter the outcome of this particular relationship, Jared has already noticed the positive influence his girlfriend has upon him.

Like Kyle, Jared has been preparing for marriage over the last few years. He has grown in his career and his ability to provide for a family, he has pursued accountability, he has taken on leadership roles in his church, and he has initiated other courtships. Bethany's example, however, has also inspired another important revelation about their relationship. Jared has noticed that whenever he begins to feel uncertain about the direction of their relationship, it is directly correlated to the status of his relationship with God. Whenever he has begun to be perfunctory or slipshod about his personal devotions, he also becomes uncertain about the courtship. His relationship with God profoundly affects his relationship with Bethany. But God uses Bethany's example and faith to inspire him to keep going. It is an exchange of grace.

Carolyn McCulley works for Sovereign Grace Ministries in church and ministry relations. She is also an author (Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred) and blogger (solofemininity.blogs.com). Carolyn is a member of Covenant Life Church, where one of her favorite ministries is the single women's discipleship program.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001409.cfm