Biblical Dating: From "Hi" to "I Do" in a Year
by Scott Croft
Before continuing with this column, please review the preamble included at the beginning of Scott's first article in this series, "Biblical Dating: An Introduction."
* * *
My hope over the next few columns is to spend some time focusing on fuller answers to some of the more specific questions generated by our outline of biblical dating principles. As is usually the case when reading one of these columns, I'll try to avoid fully repeating the ideas we've discussed in the past, so you'll be helped by glancing through the rest of the "Biblical Dating" series if you haven't already done so. If the editors are on their game, links to some or all of those pieces can be found below.
get married pretty soon after that. Let's talk a little more specifically about why I would foolishly provoke the wrath of bloggers and commenters everywhere by making such a statement.
Avoiding Temptation
1 Thess. 4:6). I discuss this principle more fully in "To Kiss or Not to Kiss" and "What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?
Emotional Temptation
I don't know whether you've noticed this, but people involved in a dating relationship tend to get to know each other better over the course of that relationship. In fact, they are usually really enthusiastic about doing so. We might even say that getting to know one another better and more deeply is (up to a certain limited point, of course) the very purpose
Now picture, for example, college life. We'll assume, per another clear principle from Scripture, that both members of our college couple are Christians. On most college campuses, that likely puts the two of you in the same relatively small social circle. Perhaps both of you are active in the same campus ministry, you go to the same church. Over time, maybe you take some of the same classes, live near one another, etc.
I've spoken to numerous "long-dating" couples, in college and beyond, who other than living together, could do little to intertwine their lives any more than they already are. They see each other every day, are with each other's families every holiday (and often know their partner's family as well as any son or daughter-in-law does), they travel together, spend most of their non-working (or studying) time together, they daily confide in one another (and maybe only one another), and are without doubt, closer emotionally with one another than with anyone else on the planet.
This is exactly the level of intimacy that is reserved for marriage only, and that dating couples should make every effort to restrain until the appropriate time. Can this level of emotional intimacy happen between people who have been dating for a shorter amount of time? Of course. But the longer a couple dates, the harder it becomes to avoid it.
Physical Temptation
Scripture calls Christians to "flee" from sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18), not to "see how difficult we can make the temptation and still prevail" or to "see how close the line we can get without sinning." In my view, Scripture teaches clearly that there is to be no romantic physical intimacy outside of marriage. See fuller discussion of these issues and arguments in "Growing in Intimacy" and "Tips for Engagement" and "Physical Intimacy and the Single Man."
vast majority of Christian couples who spend time in dating relationships of any length, sin physically.
The longer the relationship, the higher the percentage. Where a relationship is shorter, accountability stronger, and the level of emotional intimacy more responsible, the level of physicaltemptation, and the likelihood of sin, goes down.
The Bottom Line
To put it simply, "not acting married before you're married," perhaps the sum total of the principles we've discussed in the rest of these columns, gets exponentially more difficult the longer a pre-marital relationship persists. If, as has been written before in this space, our goal is to move positively toward God-glorifying lives (rather than simply to "walk the line" by attempting to satisfy our fleshly desires as much as possible without sinning), wisdom and godliness would seem to counsel keeping relationships shorter.
Certainly, as God's people, we don't want to live in fear and have our lives be primarily defined by avoiding temptation rather than positively seeking after Christ. I'm not suggesting that we do. Still, where particular known areas of temptation exist, it's not living in fear to be deliberate about taking the wiser course.
Popular Responses
(1) "This argument doesn't really apply to us, because we're in a long-distance relationship."
I think it does, even if the physical circumstances are different. As to emotional intimacy, we live in the age of e-mail, free long distance and unlimited any-time minutes, and cheap flights. It's still really easy to "act married" emotionally, even in a long-distance relationship.
As to physical intimacy, many long-distance couples have told me that because they are not physically close to one another as often, they actually experience more intense physical temptation when they're together. And again, if you believe the stats, long-distance couples don't do any better than others at staying physically pure.
(2) "We dated for less than a year and then got engaged. We'll be engaged for the next 18 months while we finish school, but we're already committed, so that's cool, right?"
Um, no. If you've forgotten the cardinal rule of engagement, re-read "Tips for Engagementeven more strongly to engaged couples.
(3) "We're so much more 'fruitful in ministry' as a couple; we 'feel led' to be together; 'God's calling us' to date throughout college."
I doubt it. The above language is hard to argue with (who can argue with God?), but that doesn't mean that anyone who uses that language is automatically correct. As a quick theological aside on guidance, God does not primarily lead His people by mystic feelings in the pits of our stomachs about what He wants us to do. He leads us primarily by His Word, and we are to look there first and primarily for guidance about how to live and make decisions.
God does not ever "call" or "lead" His people into sin, or even into folly or spiritual danger. We should take a given course of action because it comports with the principles of Scripture, not because we mystically feel "led" to do something we have a strong desire to do anyway.
(4) "We have no choice. We have to wait. My parents will not pay for school if we get married before graduation."
I hate to be a pain here, but you actually have at least two biblically responsible choices. They're both hard, I admit, but they are doable. Choice one is to get married anyway and work your way through. Many people work their way through school. Will it take longer? Sure. Will it lead to other hard choices? Almost certainly. Can it be done? Yes.
Choice two is to stay in school and put the relationship on hold. Stop spending time together one-on-one. Talk less often. Be deliberate about avoiding "marital" levels of intimacy. Wait until a responsible time to start the relationship back up. By the way, more than one set of Christian parents have relented on this question in the face of respectful, biblical resolve by their children.
(5) "People I trust think you should date at least a year or two before marrying. I can't get enough information about the other person over the course of a short relationship. I'm really worried I'll end up 'settling.'"
Now that's a topic for an entire article in itself!
Scott Croft serves as chairman of the elders at Capitol Hill Baptist Church, where he wrote and teaches the Courtship & Dating and Biblical Manhood and Womanhood CORE Seminars. Scott lives with his wife, Rachel and son, William in the Washington, D.C. area, where he is also a practicing attorney.
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001598.cfm
