Thinking About Marriage
by Candice Watters

Is it possible to think about marriage too much? In the midst of a series of articles I wrote about dating and marriage, I started getting the impression that some readers believe that those who think about marriage at all think about it too much.

A common argument against my understanding of marriage runs something like this:

The hope of marriage is great, but it's not something you should think about much or it will take away from your relationship with God. It will become its own god, reinforced by any number of chick flicks, romance novels, TV shows and movies. Besides, since when is marriage the road to wholeness or fulfillment? God should be our priority and our heart's desire. Our ultimate goal shouldn't be marriage but God's will.

I'm familiar enough with this challenge because I used to pine for the day I'd finally be wed. I was only 13 when I started dreaming, in great detail, about my wedding day. I spent hours poring over bridal magazines with my girlfriends, imagining what the big event would be like, complete with heart-stopping romantic scenarios and gauzy images of diamonds and flowers.

It sounds reasonable enough. If you can't think about men and marriage without obsessing about what's not yet to be, then redirect your thoughts. Don't think about it. As the Song of Solomon says, "Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires" (2:7).

The argument against a proactive effort to get married is rooted in a belief about priorities. My critics say I risk prioritizing marriage over God's will.

But what if God's will for your life is marriage? Isn't it possible that if you don't think about it, you risk missing out on God's will?

But we all know it won't be long before we stop feeling stuffed and are actually, legitimately, hungry again. If we don't eat, we'll die. Our bodies were designed to run on food. To avoid that overstuffed feeling we simply need to make healthy choices and know when to stop eating.

Our desire for marriage is similar to our need for food. It's part of our design. Obsessing is never a good thing in relationships or food. But saying you'll never eat again can lead to anorexia and saying you'll never think about marriage (and by default, potential marriage partners) can lead to irresistible temptation.

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Maybe the answer to my readers' dilemma isn't to stop thinking about marriage, but to think about it differently.

The hope of marriage is an antidote to promiscuity. If you believe in Christian marriage and are purposefully working toward it, it's a lot easier to set physical boundaries and character expectations in dating. Not only do those boundaries help you obey God's command to save sex for marriage, they increase the likelihood that the men you're spending time with will be good candidates for marriage.

There is a time and place to put thoughts of romance, marriage and sex out of your mind: when you're clearly called to single service. But that calling isn't for everyone. In fact, most Christians are called to marriage. Theophilus said it well in one of his Office Hours conversations:

out of our selfishness.... Jesus says that a few people are set aside by God for an unmarried way of life for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven.² Paul talks about this too.³ But Jesus makes clear that the single life is difficult. Those who are called to it should follow it; those who aren't shouldn't try.

That's not to say that if you're called to marriage then you have the green light to entertain romantic or sexual fantasies. As Christians we're all commanded to be pure in our thought life. That requires discipline. It's just that those in single service shouldn't think about the intricacies of navigating romantic relationships with the opposite sex, while those who are called to marriage should.

So what does right thinking about marriage look like?

Marriage is a good thing

God created marriage for men and women and it's natural to want to be married. It took me awhile to embrace this truth. By the time I was 25 and still single, I was embarrassed to admit I wanted to get married. I figured it wasn't very spiritual to desire a relationship with the opposite sex.

But the sexual element of marriage, though essential, is only a small part of the picture. The substance of marriage is sacrifice. It's laying down my desires, my plans, my will, for another. And nothing I experienced before getting married had the power to shape my character like my relationship with Steve. (Until we had a baby, that is. Then I realized my character development was just getting started.)

Marriage is not about gift registries

Getting married is worth celebrating. When it was my turn to walk down the aisle I relished all the details: tasting cakes, ordering flowers, choosing menus, picking dress fabrics, registering for China and stemware and buying my trousseau. But those activities were just accessories, not the point of the occasion. Most exciting was knowing I would soon be uniting my soul with another; becoming one. More than having my dream wedding, my goal was a solid relationship.

If you're called to it, you should pursue it

If you're called to be a pastor you go to seminary. If you're called to be a doctor you go to medical school. Most people set goals on the path toward realizing their calling. Why should marriage be any different?

After years of praying for my future mate and thinking that was all I could do, I realized I needed to be intentional about my desire for marriage and family. (For more details, see "Finding a Husband.") I needed to be realistic about my prospects and honest about what I brought to the table, deliberate about how I spent my time, and resourceful. I had to put aside whimsical romantic notions and grab onto the truth of what marriage is and what it isn't.

And that brings me back to the opening objection. My critics argue that Christians think about marriage too much, casting it as the only road to wholeness and fulfillment. They say wholeness can only be found in a union with Christ.

Christian marriage doesn't usurp our union with Christ, it enhances it. I need God more than I did before I was married. The struggle of living with another human day-in and day-out deepens my need for God. And it's only when I try to get all my needs met in my husband that I'm truly disappointed.

A great Christian writer, Francis de Sales, said it this way: "The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other. It is a perpetual exercise of mortification.... From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life."⁴

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1. George Barna, Single Focus (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 2003), 43.
2. Matthew 19:10-12.
3. 1 Corinthians 7.
4. Francis de Sales, Thy Will Be Done: Letters to Persons in the World (Manchester, NH: Sophia Institute, 1995), 42.

Candice Watters is the co-author with Steve Watters of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies(Moody, January 2009) and author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. She foundedBoundless in 1998 and served as editor till 2002. She still freelances for the site including a bi-weekly advice column for women. Write her at candice@helpgetmarried.com.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000852.cfm